“In this world, you will have trouble,” Jesus tells his followers. “But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
One of the long-term “troubles” that many people in your ministry struggle with is the aftermath of trauma, hurt, and emotional baggage. In fact, you may struggle with this yourself.
In our broken world, trauma and emotional pain is very common. And it’s also hard to ministry to people who are struggling with this! You may not know many details, or even know that someone has a hard background, but it is safe and practical to assume that MANY people in your ministry have hard, painful things in their past.
Here at The iHope Center, we have helped hundreds of people through trauma-related hurts. And God is so faithful, so gentle, so kind to bring healing through the gospel! One of the big ways He does that is through the church and through bringing Christians together to offer care and support.
Today, we’ll share 5 Do’s and 5 Don’ts for helping people who are struggling with trauma and emotional baggage. You don’t need to be their professional counselor to make a difference in the healing journey. Dive in for some practical tips today.
READ NEXT: Recognizing Important Warning Signs: Is Someone Depressed Or Suicidal?
What is trauma?
For the purposes of a pastor or ministry leader, it is not necessary to be able to “diagnose” or know for certain that someone has experienced a trauma.
You don’t need details to help a person through their journey of healing.
So, in the context of these Do’s and Don’ts, we can simply think about trauma as a situation that feels overwhelming and life-threatening. It might not technically be life-threatening. It might not overwhelm someone else. But the biggest factor is how a past situation impacted someone – and now, today, they are carrying hurt, pain, fear, and emotional baggage from their past.
With that in mind, let’s look at 5 Do’s and 5 Don’ts for helping people deal with their trauma and emotional scars.
5 Do’s for helping people
These tips are not magic wands, and they will not “solve” the problem of pain and hurt.
But they will help.
As you come alongside people who are dealing with past hurts, you do not need to act as their professional counselor or medical doctor. Your calling as their pastor or another ministry leader in their life is to bring the care and counsel of Jesus to them.
So, here are a few tips to help:
- Do expect miracles. We serve a big God! No matter how painful, horrific, or recent someone’s traumatic experience might be, God can bring healing. He can lead us to forgiveness. He redeems, restores, and rescues the hurting.
- Do show them the love of Christ. What does this look like when dealing with trauma? It looks like truth and care. Consider how Jesus reached out and touched lepers. How He spoke to people who were on the fringes of society. The compassion He gave. We do not need to hold back truth, but for those with emotional pain, the care and compassion of the Lord must be very present.
- Do suggest coping skills and encourage them in those efforts. Sometimes, people with trauma and emotional pain can feel stuck and hopeless. They may not make the effort to care for themselves well physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally. These 10 ideas might help.
- Do come alongside them with relationship. Your presence, compassion, and kindness is a great blessing when someone is hurting. And of course, you must be trustworthy and speak the wisdom of Scripture. Consider Job’s friends. Once they started speaking, they were not successful in sharing the wisdom and truth of God. But as soon as they heard about their friend’s pain, they came. They sat. They wept. They were present. We must do the same.
- Do label and validate their emotions, even if they are hard, angry, scary. There is a big difference between the emotions someone feels and the behaviors that they then engage in. When there is trauma, pain, and hurt in someone’s background, there will be hard emotions. You do not need to validate and approve of inappropriate behaviors, of course – but the anger, fear, loneliness, paranoia, distrust, or bitterness makes sense. Putting words to their emotions can help them make sense of their experience and move past it into healing and recovery. Pretending that an emotion is not there is not helpful.
5 Don’ts for helping people
As counselors, we have not only helped many people walk through trauma recovery – we have also heard the horror stories of how Christians have spoken to and treated people who are hurting. Even if we assume the best of intentions, there are actions and words that are more hurtful than they are helpful.
The reality of trauma and emotional baggage is that it usually makes people hyper-sensitive. They may react to things you say or do in ways that surprise you. They may assume the worst about you, themselves, or others.
Of course, use your God-given judgment, and cover all interactions in prayer. These tips may help.
- Don’t blame the person for what happened (even in a roundabout way). Yes, it might be very true that the person could have made better and wiser decisions. They may have acted foolishly or recklessly. But when they are emotionally wounded, this is never helpful! It is common for people recovering from trauma to already blame themselves and think negatively about themselves. Don’t feed that shame and guilt.
- Don’t bash the perpetrator. While you also should not be excusing away what the perpetrator did, it is not helpful to join them in overly negative labels or in gossip. Eventually, the Lord will help them to work toward forgiveness. That is God’s nature and his call for his people. (And yes, even with the worst of traumas, people can forgive through the Spirit’s strength!) If your negativity is ringing through their mind, this will be harder for people.
- Don’t tell other people what they are struggling with. This might sound obvious, but it is easy to slip details into other conversations where that is not appropriate. Obviously, avoid gossip. But also, don’t assume that other people know the details of what happened. The person with the traumatic experience has the right to tell their own story – when they’re ready, to whom they choose, and in the manner that helps them. This is not your story to tell.
- Don’t make the person feel weird. Certainly you won’t try to make them feel weird. But given the sensitive nature of some people’s stories or emotions, it is easy to feel awkward. Try to be careful not to avoid eye contact, stare at them across the room, cry or make a face when you see them. Try also to avoid talking in hushed tones, avoiding certain words or topics, or just generally being awkward and weird around the person.
- Don’t force the issue regarding if they do or do not talk about what happened. Again, this is their story to tell. Someone we have strong opinions about how healing “should” happen… but everyone reacts to trauma and pain differently. Some people need to tell their story, some don’t. You might have an opinion about whom they should tell, when they should talk about it, or how they should handle the healing process. You can offer suggestions and encouragement, but don’t force the issue.
Trauma is hard, and your care matters
There will be many times when the Lord puts you in someone’s life to offer them care, compassion, help, and healing – and you don’t even know they need it. To that end, these Do’s and Don’ts tips probably apply to many ministry situations!
Whether you know the details of someone’s background or not, it is safe to assume that most people have pain in their history. Most of us have been hurt physically, emotionally, or relationally at some point in our life. That might be “trauma” or it might simply be really hard.
And the Lord cares about all of it.
These tips are not going to magically solve problems. They are not miracle-makers. Only God does that! But hopefully, they can help you along the way as you care for hurting people in your church and ministry.
If you are in South Carolina and need help with these issues, we have counselors and life coaches available at The iHope Center. Reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with dealing with these related struggles. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
ABOUT YOUR HOST
This podcast is offered as a ministry from iHope Christian Care and Counseling, Inc. We are a nonprofit counseling center in the Pee Dee area of South Carolina. Our primary host is our Director: Jessica Hayes, LPC, LMFT, LPCS-C. You can learn more about The iHope Center at http://www.ihopeflorence.com.
We hope you will subscribe to our channel and share about the podcast with the other pastors and leaders in your life. There is a video, audio, and blog version of this podcast:
- LISTEN on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or any common podcast app
- WATCH on the iHope YouTube channel
- READ on the iHope blog
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
REFERRALS AND DONATIONS
Our counselors are licensed in the state of South Carolina. If you are local to our state, we hope you will consider The iHope Center as a referral source for professional counseling or life coaching. We offer a 10% discount on services to full-time pastors. Virtual services are available as well.
The iHope Center is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, and we are registered in the state of South Carolina as a charitable organization. If you are local to our state, we welcome your donations and gifts to support our counseling ministry. Donations allow us to keep clients’ fees at 50% below the local average cost for services.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
DISCLAIMER
This podcast, as well as other resources offered by The iHope Center, should be taken as informational and educational content only. Utilizing our resources does not create a professional relationship. This podcast is not therapy. Always use your own judgment in making decisions and in making recommendations for others.
In the case of a medical or mental health emergency for yourself or someone else, please contact your local emergency department. In the USA, you can call “988” which is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Counseling Tips For Pastors And Ministry Leaders!
Make sure to join our e-newsletter so you get the updates for all new posts, along with other free resources! Then, copy this link and share it with a pastor, colleague, or other Christian in your life who would be helped by it.