No one likes passive aggressive communication. And it usually falls in the category of “I know it when I see it” … but we can’t always define it. We don’t always understand it.
Which makes it much harder to stop it.
Every pastor and ministry leader needs strong communication skills. So today, let’s look at some common examples of passive aggressive communication along with a few practical tips for how to handle it.
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What is passive aggressive communication?
Passive aggressive communication happens when you speak or act in ways that express your frustration, disappointment, or anger… in an indirect way.
Typically, this includes your tone of voice, body language, and behaviors.
You are saying or acting in a certain way, but it is not honest to your emotions. It is definitely not, as Colossians 3 says here, living in line with the image of your Creator!
And when this type of communication enters our church, ministry, or home, it hurts us and the people around us. Relationships are not strengthened, but weakened.
Examples of passive aggressive communication
Do any of these sound familiar?
- Claiming you are “fine” when you are obviously upset and angry.
- Agreeing with someone verbally, with your arms crossed, shoulders tensed, tapping your foot, clenching your jaw…
- Repeatedly complaining about a past event, while telling everyone that it is not a problem
- Denying anything is wrong, while giving heavy sighs, pouting, slamming doors, or having a sullen attitude
- Sarcasm, such as “Wow, thanks for finally taking filling out that report.”
- Using the silent treatment with people or avoiding them
Tips to help stop passive aggressive communication… if it’s you.
We must first consider if we are the problem, and take the log out of our own eyes first (Matthew 7). What’s the starting place? Notice what’s happening. Do your emotions line up with what you’re saying and doing? Are there seeds of bitterness or frustration growing in your heart?
If you’re concerned for your own communication efforts, try a few steps:
- Pause. Stop the conversation. Don’t continue in a dishonest manner with someone.
- Pray. Ask the Lord for clarity, wisdom, and guidance.
- Journal/Reflect. With the Holy Spirit’s help, try to identify what’s going on. What do you really think and feel about an issue? Why is it hard for you to express that or deal with that well?
- Confess. Acknowledge areas of sin and struggle. Confess to God and apologize to the person.
- Try again. As you confess and apologize, seek a more honest conversation with the person. Reach out to them. This might be hard, and you could prepare ahead of time for a hard conversation. But honesty is a key part of healthy communication patterns.
And of course… pray! God wants you to be compassionate, kind, honest, and wise. He will help you.
Tips to help stop passive aggressive communication… if it’s them.
Often, it’s easier to notice someone else being passive aggressive (or at least, to feel the awkwardness of it) than to notice your own struggles. But this can also be harder to deal with, because you cannot control how someone else communicates.
So if you’re feeling frustrated with someone or noticing they are acting in a passive aggressive way, try these tips:
- Notice and prepare. If you are feeling frustrated or angry with someone, you may not approach the conversation well. So pay attention to your own reactions and prepare for how to best approach the person about your concerns.
- Prioritize the relationship. Your efforts to improve communication are ultimately about honoring the Lord (as is everything in life!). Be mindful of the context as you approach them and any relationship elements like a power difference, gender difference, intimacy and closeness, etc.
- Be gentle. You must control your own emotions as you address someone who is struggling to control theirs. Share what you’re noticing without blaming them or getting angry.
- Seek to understand. Asking questions that help you understand their perspective and their concerns will help prevent defensiveness. You can put the burden on yourself, asking questions like Am I missing something? Is there more that you wanted to share? Open the door for them to share more honestly.
And of course – pray! God wants his church to be peace-filled and united. Ask for his help and his wisdom.
What’s next?
Communication can be tricky. And passive aggressive communication may look and sound different in your marriage than in your ministry – but in both places, it is problematic.
If you are struggling with managing big emotions, communicating well, or having trouble in an important family relationship – seek help.
If you are in South Carolina and need help with these issues, we have counselors and life coaches available at The iHope Center. Reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with dealing with these related struggles. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
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