One of the most common calls that Christ gives to his followers is that they should forgive one another. It’s all over the pages of Scripture!
And it is hard.
When we sin or mess up, it is hard to apologize. We wonder what to say, how to say it, and sometimes if we even need to bother. And then, when others sin against us, we struggle to forgive.
But no relationship can be healthy, intimate, or meaningful without being able to handle apologies and forgiveness.
So today, we’ll share some tips for how to handle this important area in your own relationships, and how to help those in your church or ministry context do it too.
Let’s jump in.
RELATED: 4 Key Steps To Conflict Resolution In A Ministry Context
Scripture is clear
Throughout the Bible, we find a clear command from God that we are to forgive one another. We have a responsibility to try to live in unity and peace with each other.
- Colossians 3:13 – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
- Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
- Matthew 6:15 – “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
- Psalm 133:1 – “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!”
- Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
The thing is… I can’t find any Scriptures that tell us this will be easy and painless.
Dealing with sin is painful. And for healthy relationships, we must apologize for sin, forgive one another, and reconcile.
There is a huge spiritual aspect to forgiveness. After all, we forgive like Jesus has forgiven us! Thankfully, there is also a skill aspect. We can learn what to say and practice saying it.
4 Steps For Apologizing
When we realize that we are in the wrong about something – a mistake, a sin, or anything in between – the right thing to do it apologize to the person you have wronged.
Yes, we also confess to God and pray about the situation. We seek the Lord’s forgiveness first. But next? Next, we seek to restore the human relationship.
Make sure to follow these 4 steps in your apology, and coach those around you to do the same.
- Speak it vertically – Confess to God.
- Understand it holistically. Try to make sure you have an emotional understanding of the situation. Why did you do it? How did the other person feel? Why does this matter?
- Speak it horizontally – Apologize to the other person. Be careful about your word choice, to stay kind and to take ownership yourself instead of blaming them. But also be careful about your nonverbal, to watch your tone of voice and your body language too.
- Seek healing in your relationship. You may need to try to make things right in some way, and pursue quality time together moving forward.
4 Steps For Forgiveness
In a similar way, when we are tasked with forgiving someone else (or helping others achieve forgiveness) there are 4 key steps to this process.
- Seek spiritual help. Make a decision to forgive, and pray for the Holy Spirit to help you do it.
- Speak words of forgiveness. Tell them that you forgive them.
- Live it out. Forgiveness must be more than just words. This means that you are stopping any negative or bitter thoughts. If you are continuing the relationship, you can prioritize doing some fun, bonding activities together.
- Seek healing. Forgiveness does not erase hurt or painful emotions. There may still be consequences from what happened. Don’t rush the process. Allow time for healing.
Forgiveness Without Continuing The Relationship
Many times, forgiveness will include restoration of the relationship. Thanks be to God, this is what our forgiveness from Jesus Christ includes! Our relationship with God the Father is clean, right, and restored. We are redeemed in Christ.
But in our human relationships, this is not always reasonable.
Sometimes, there will be safety concerns that must be considered. Other times, the other person is not willing to make necessary changes or to offer you the forgiveness you are seeking.
At the end of it all, forgiveness is a personal heart issue. It is important to your own relationship with God, and to your relationships with other people. But you cannot force others to forgive you, and it may be unwise to continue certain relationships unless things have changed.
What’s next in apologies and forgiveness?
If you are struggling with forgiveness or with conflict in a relationship, counseling or other outside help may be a great blessing. In these situations, an outside party can sometimes help bring clarity and understanding. An additional prayer warrior or accountability support may do wonders.
If you are in South Carolina and need help with these issues, we have counselors and life coaches available at The iHope Center. Reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with dealing with these related struggles. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
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Our counselors are licensed in the state of South Carolina. If you are local to our state, we hope you will consider The iHope Center as a referral source for professional counseling or life coaching. We offer a 10% discount on services to full-time pastors.
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DISCLAIMERS
The blog, podcast, and other resources offered by The iHope Center should be taken as informational and educational content only. Utilizing our resources does not create a professional relationship. This podcast is not therapy. Always use your own judgment in making decisions and in making recommendations for others.
In the case of a medical or mental health emergency for yourself or someone else, please contact your local emergency department. In the USA, you can call “988” which is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.