James 1:19 – Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
Hearing people and helping people FEEL heard are two different things.
In today’s busy, loud, disconnected world, feeling heard is an incredibly meaning experience. Everyone wants to know that they are seen, valued, and appreciated.
Of course, we cannot make people feel anything. We cannot guarantee that people will always react to us in the way we hope or expect.
But we can approach our interactions with people with intentionality. We can practice the skill of listening.
So join me today for a counselor’s look at how we can listen well and help people feel heard, seen, and valued – not just by us, but by the God who created them, loves them, and is seeking relationship with them.
READ NEXT: 3 Keys To Being A Good Listener (Even When You’re Distracted)
1 – Use your body language to show you care.
There are many ways that our body language shows people we care and we are listening… or, that we don’t.
When someone is sharing hard information with you, do you look away? Tap your foot? Cross your arms?
These are simple, common things that people do when they are having a hard conversation. When we feel defensive, upset, or frustrated, we instinctively start to close ourselves off. We protect ourselves.
But other people see that! And instead of feeling heard, valued, and cared for, they are likely to get the impression that you don’t really want to be talking to them.
Instead, use your body language to show that you care.
- Lean toward the person instead of away.
- Make eye contact.
- Keep your arms loose instead of crossed.
- Maintain an open posture instead of tightening up.
- Offer a smile, frown, or other facial expression as is appropriate to what the person is saying and feeling.
2 – Take a moment to summarize what they are saying.
Even when there is limited time for a conversation, or emotions are heated and the conversation starts to move quickly, this is a very impactful skill.
After the other person shares some information or their perspective, PAUSE.
Pause, and summarize what you heard them say.
Why is this helpful? Well, for starters, it makes it very clear that you did hear what they said. (This is especially helpful if you are about to share a different opinion or challenge them.)
But also, this validates for the person that what they said matters. It was heard and understood. In fact, when you summarize what they said, they may realize something was unclear. It can help them to clarify their own thinking and reduce emotion around the topic.
This might sound as simple as “What I heard you saying is….”
3 – Understand and validate their emotion.
You don’t have to agree with someone’s emotion to validate the reality that they are feeling it. Even if you think they are overreacting or reacting wrongly, the simple reality of that moment is that they are feeling what they are feeling – and it matters to them.
So, if you want them to feel heard and valued – if you want to deepen your relationship with them and show them that you care – you cannot simply ignore or undermine their emotions.
During the conversation, it can help to label the emotion. Try a statement like, “I can tell that you’re feeling really upset about this.” Or perhaps a comment like, “I didn’t know you were so frustrated by that.”
Just like when you summarize what they said, this can help them to understand themselves better and gives an opportunity for them to clarify their thinking or emotions. It also starts to reduce the impact of high emotion on the conversation, because that emotion is understood, felt, and not as overwhelming.
4 – Follow up with a helpful response for them personally
This can start with your verbal response during the conversation. Is a “next step” identified that you can take action on? Or maybe you can agree with what they said or felt.
In addition, this might be a nonverbal response in the moment. After a hard conversation, a hug, handshake, or encouraging pat on the shoulder might be appropriate. This builds connection before you move apart after your conversation.
But this tip doesn’t end there.
To show people that you hear them and value them, you can follow up later on. Send a text, give a call, or share a prayer with them. Send them a Scripture or book that connects with what they were talking about. Follow through on your action step and then let them know about it.
Listening is not always easy, but it is always impactful.
Read Next: Keys To Good Interpersonal Communication
Struggling with communication?
If you are in South Carolina, reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with dealing with negative thought patterns. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
ABOUT YOUR HOST
This podcast is offered as a ministry from iHope Christian Care and Counseling, Inc. We are a nonprofit counseling center in the Pee Dee area of South Carolina. Our primary host is our Director: Jessica Hayes, LPC, LMFT, LPCS-C. You can learn more about The iHope Center at http://www.ihopeflorence.com.
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REFERRALS AND DONATIONS
Our counselors are licensed in the state of South Carolina. If you are local to our state, we hope you will consider The iHope Center as a referral source for professional counseling or life coaching. We offer a 10% discount on services to full-time pastors. Virtual services are available as well.
The iHope Center is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, and we are registered in the state of South Carolina as a charitable organization. If you are local to our state, we welcome your donations and gifts to support our counseling ministry. Donations allow us to keep clients’ fees at 50% below the local average cost for services.
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DISCLAIMER
This podcast, as well as other resources offered by The iHope Center, should be taken as informational and educational content only. Utilizing our resources does not create a professional relationship. This podcast is not therapy. Always use your own judgment in making decisions and in making recommendations for others.
In the case of a medical or mental health emergency for yourself or someone else, please contact your local emergency department. In the USA, you can call “988” which is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
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