It’s not your job or calling in life to make people happy. And despite your best efforts, it would be impossible to do.
All of us in ministry can take heart from the Apostle Paul’s reminder in Galatians 1:10. “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
The reality of life (and definitely of ministry work) is that people complain. It may not be good or godly, but it is going to happen. Sometimes, people will even complain about you, to you, or about your loved ones. At times, people will be thoughtless in their comments. Other times, they will be downright rude.
In today’s episode, we are not going to try to pretend that these moments don’t hurt. They usually do. And we are not going to try to brainstorm ways to get people to stop complaining.
But we are not going to let those complaints control how we feel, think, or act. Instead, we are going to look at some practical tips for how you can keep a positive attitude even when people are complaining!
After all, you are not trying to please people, but to please Christ.
RELATED: 6 Daily Habits To Make You A Mentally and Emotionally Healthy Leader
The reality of complaints
There is an old cliche: “The only certain things in life are taxes and death. But the reality is, thanks to the sin nature we are all born with, there are more things that are also certain to happen in life.
And one of those is… complaints.
You might logically understand that you cannot please everyone. But it will still hurt your heart when people are complaining about you, your ministry, your ideas, or your programs.
- People might complain directly to you, or behind your back.
- They might complain about you, or people you love and care about.
- While some people will complain without realizing it is hurtful, others will be intentionally rude or unkind.
But, of course, our ministry work is not for the people. It is for the Lord.
And just like He does not want your sense of identity and purpose to hinge on people’s reactions to you, nor does He want your emotions to be subject to the moods of the people around you.
Complaints will hurt. But you can hold onto a positive attitude even in the face of such hurt.
9 practical tips to help
When you are struggling with discouragement, frustration, or hurt, these tips will help.
(1) Give it to Jesus.
Yes, this is a common Christian cliche. But it is still true! You must give your emotions to Jesus and trust him for rest, peace, and hope. Consider Matthew 11:28, or take a look through the Psalms and how frequently people responded to attacks by running to God, their refuge.
Similarly, give your ministry work to Jesus. When you have ideas or make decisions, the first filter should be: would this honor God and fulfill the calling He has given me/us? A far lower filter is to consider how people would react. If God says it is good, true, right, and wise… complaints won’t sting as harshly.
(2) Don’t waste your energy.
Yes, receive the feedback if appropriate. But taking time to defend yourself, repeatedly explain yourself or justify your actions, or continuing a dead-end conversation is not helpful for you OR the other person.
(3) Remind yourself why.
Much like you should give your ministry work to Jesus, it will help to hold fast to your understanding of why you are doing what you’re doing. Why did you say yes to Program A but no to Program B? Why are you getting coffee with these people and not those people? Doing things on purpose, and reminding yourself what that purpose was and is, will help you stay emotionally healthy when people are complaining.
RELATED: 6 Daily Habits To Make You A Mentally and Emotionally Healthy Leader
(4) Spend more time with supportive people.
You do not need to spend an equal amount of time with all people. Even people in your family, neighborhood, church, or ministry do not have an equal claim on your attention. It will benefit your attitude and your mental health to intentionally spend time with people who fill you up instead of tearing you down.
While you don’t want to spend all of your time with people who agree with you and support you (or you will miss valuable opportunity for new opinions, sharpening your thinking, and evangelizing to the lost), this is important. And especially during a hard season, you will want to spend more time with people who support and encourage you. In the heat of the moment if someone is complaining and you feel hurt, frustrated, or upset, reach out to someone you love. Your spouse. A good friend.
(5) Walk away from negative conversations.
It is good and healthy to have boundaries. And when people are complaining, criticizing, and grumbling to you – even if it’s about something else that is unrelated to you – this will drag you down. And it is not necessary (or always appropriate) to stay in a negative conversation like this.
Some language to use might include:
- “I appreciate your feedback, and I’m going to need some time to think on this. I’ll go take care of a few other things now and will pray about this.”
- “Thank you for chatting with me. I think I need to take a little break from this conversation so that I can process everything you’re sharing.”
- “I am not comfortable with the language you’re using, and I’m going to need to excuse myself.”
RELATED: Boundaries Only Matter If You Implement Them. 5 Tips To Make It Happen.
(6) Don’t engage complaints through technology.
We live in a digital world, and it is a very easy place for people to vent and complain. But technology removes so many important parts of healthy communication. This makes it a very dangerous place to try to talk things through and respond to complaints.
No social media. No email. No texting. There are no nonverbals there and only opportunities for people to interpret things the wrong way – and for you to respond quickly in a hot-tempered manner.
(7) Keep open lines of communication with your leadership team.
In most ministry situations, you are not working alone. And there are two reasons to make your teammates aware of complaints. First, it allows you to seek support and encouragement for your own mental health. But also, complaints sometimes have a way of growing and becoming bigger problems if they have been kept secret. You can prevent gossip and secrets, and make sure you are getting the support you need, by keeping open lines of communication.
(8) Focus on what you are doing well.
Everyone has strengths and talents – and you do too! While complaints will focus on things that are not going well (or at least, are perceived by someone to not be going well) it will help your mood and attitude to focus on the opposite. What’s working? What is going well? Where are your strengths? How is God blessing your ministry?
Yes, you can work on areas for growth or improvement. But don’t ignore the good!
RELATED: 10 Coping Skills Every Pastor & Ministry Leader Needs
(9) Take a break to care for yourself when you feel hurt or upset about complaints.
Complaints are not easy to handle, and at some point you will feel hurt, overwhelmed, angry, or upset. So take a little break! Even a few slow breaths during a hard meeting can help. Excuse yourself to use the bathroom so you can catch a few minutes. Cancel a later meeting so you can go out for a quick coffee to gather your thoughts. This might be bigger chunks of time, like taking social media fasts or going on vacation, or small moments throughout a hard day.
What’s next?
When you are struggling, it can be very meaningful to connect with outside parties who can listen, encourage, help, and offer counsel.
If you are in South Carolina and need help with these issues, we have counselors and life coaches available at The iHope Center. Reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with dealing with these related struggles. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
ABOUT
There is a video, audio, and blog version of this podcast:
- LISTEN on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or any common podcast app
- WATCH on the iHope YouTube channel
- READ on the iHope blog
REFERRALS AND DONATIONS
Our counselors are licensed in the state of South Carolina. If you are local to our state, we hope you will consider The iHope Center as a referral source for professional counseling or life coaching. We offer a 10% discount on services to full-time pastors.
The iHope Center is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, and we are registered in the state of South Carolina as a charitable organization. If you are local to our state, we welcome your donations and gifts to support our counseling ministry. Donations are used to help us keep clients’ fees at 50% below the local average cost for services.
DISCLAIMERS
The blog, podcast, and other resources offered by The iHope Center should be taken as informational and educational content only. Utilizing our resources does not create a professional relationship. This podcast is not therapy. Always use your own judgment in making decisions and in making recommendations for others.
In the case of a medical or mental health emergency for yourself or someone else, please contact your local emergency department. In the USA, you can call “988” which is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.