Grief is hard. No one likes it. It’s never easy.
But it is unavoidable.
And one of the realities of grief is that it is a special place for Christians to step in and offer care. It is a time when people need someone to come alongside them. People often turn to their faith community most especially during times of grief.
So, how does a pastor or other ministry leader better understand what’s going on when someone is grieving? How can you come alongside them and be a genuine support?
Today, I’ll share about the classic 5 stages of grief, along with some counselor tips for how to care for people well when they are grieving. Join me for today’s conversation.
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5 Stages Of Grief
Grief never feels normal. It is the disruption of what is normal. And it hurts.
Yet, the reality is that everyone experiences grief. If you care for someone or something, then eventually there will be grief. Any loss, but especially the loss of a loved one, will understandably trigger a season of grief.
So, let’s take a look at the classic 5 stages of grief. These stages were first proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death And Dying.
Stage 1: Denial
When you’re caring for someone during their season of grief, don’t expect them to immediately realize the gravity of the situation. A sudden change in our life circumstances – especially when it is unwanted and painful – is never easy to accept. Denial is normal. Wait it out with them.
Stage 2: Anger
This stage is also normal! Of course, even as you’re caring for someone who is feeling angry, that emotion might be overwhelming or upsetting to you. And you do not need to allow bad behavior. But again, the emotion itself makes sense. A horrible thing has happened; we would all get angry and upset.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Sometimes, people bargain with God when they receive bad news. This is common with grief around things like a serious health diagnosis, a job loss, or a spouse having an affair. Other times, people may bargain with other people. Again, this stage of grief can make more sense when we consider the reality that someone’s entire life has just turned upside down. Of course they want things to go back to “normal,” and they probably feel quite desperate to make that happen.
Stage 4: Depression
This is a hard stage to sit through. Sadness can feel overwhelming to us, and it can be difficult to walk alongside someone and feel like nothing you do or say is helpful. But your caring presence is helpful! Don’t try to rush someone through the sadness they feel.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Eventually, people who are grieving will enter a stage of “acceptance” where a new normal has been found. They will begin to move forward in life. But of course, this does not mean that the pain of grief disappears! It does mean that you can play a very meaningful role in helping people try a new “normal” of life and encourage them in that stage.
Beyond the 5 stages of grief
Some more recent theories of grief processing include an initial stage of shock (before denial). People might feel numb and feel confused about what is happening. Especially if there is a sudden or traumatic loss, this stage makes sense.
Another recent suggestion is to add a period of testing before reaching the final stage of acceptance. It is unlikely that people will immediately find a “new normal,” especially with a big life disruption like the death of a spouse or child. This could be a time for risky behaviors or decisions that seem out of step with someone’s personality. Continue to be a God-centered presence with them as they may test out new ways of living life after loss.
Think in terms of circles
Although the 5 stages of grief are often called “stages” (like we are calling them here!) this is definitely NOT a linear process.
It is very common for people to move through a stage of depression and start moving toward acceptance, but a new situation will happen that launches them back into anger or even denial all over again.
This is normal. But, you may find this frustrating as you are trying to care for someone. It may be confusing.
So, it is helpful to think in terms of circles. A circular experience of healing and moving forward. You can normalize this for yourself, and for those you are caring for.
Circling back to engage and check in
Your immediate support to someone experiencing grief may end before they have fully moved on into a stage of acceptance, perhaps when you have finished performing the funeral for their loved one.
But your Christian commitment to care for that hurting person has not ended.
This is another place where it is helpful to think in terms of circles. Circle back! Check in on them, even after it seem like they are recovering well. Follow up. Continue to offer support, prayer, encouragement, and practical help.
The process of grief is slow and messy. Don’t think you can do a few simple things and then move on. That is not pastoral, and not genuine to the experience of human loss and grief.
Are you uncomfortable with grief?
The process of grief is uncomfortable. And that’s okay – our world has been broken by sin and death, loss, and pain are not meant to be easy.
When you are caring for someone who is grieving, you can be like Job’s friends – come to them, sit with them, mourn with them. Be present with them. This is a huge blessing and comfort to those who are grieving.
But consider also what happened when Job’s friends opened their mouths. You will want to avoid casting doubt on God’s goodness. Make sure to avoid blaming or belittling the person, the situation, or the loss they are grieving. Even if their grief does not make sense to you, this is not a time to pass judgment or attempt to lecture.
Grief is a big, overwhelming emotion. The person dealing with it needs your support, love, and care. The love of Christ.
The process may feel uncomfortable. But our goal here is to help you feel more comfortable, so you can offer the care and support that is most helpful.
What’s next?
If you are struggling with grief yourself, or are helping someone who cannot seem to move forward toward acceptance, counseling may be a great help.
If you are in South Carolina and need help with these issues, we have counselors and life coaches available at The iHope Center. Reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with dealing with these related struggles. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
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REFERRALS AND DONATIONS
Our counselors are licensed in the state of South Carolina. If you are local to our state, we hope you will consider The iHope Center as a referral source for professional counseling or life coaching. We offer a 10% discount on services to full-time pastors.
The iHope Center is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, and we are registered in the state of South Carolina as a charitable organization. If you are local to our state, we welcome your donations and gifts to support our counseling ministry. Donations are used to help us keep clients’ fees at 50% below the local average cost for services.
DISCLAIMERS
The blog, podcast, and other resources offered by The iHope Center should be taken as informational and educational content only. Utilizing our resources does not create a professional relationship. This podcast is not therapy. Always use your own judgment in making decisions and in making recommendations for others.
In the case of a medical or mental health emergency for yourself or someone else, please contact your local emergency department. In the USA, you can call “988” which is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.