Counseling Tips For Pastors And Ministry Leaders, Episode 5: Helping Marriages Succeed - Tips To Help Them Help Themselves

Helping Marriages Succeed – Tips To Help Them Help Themselves

Every Christian leader will have opportunities to help people in their marriages. But how do you approach marriage counseling? Can you help a marriage even if you’re meeting 1:1 with someone? (Yes! You can.)

Today you’ll get some specific tips from a Christian marriage counselor on how to get started on the right foot when you’re trying to help couples. 

Whether you’re doing full-blown marriage counseling or you’re just talking with someone about their life, you can have a big impact on people’s marriages.

Wondering where to start?

The first place to start is… with prayer.

Yes, that might feel like the Sunday school answer. But how often do we rush past it? How often do we take God’s presence, his wisdom, his action for granted?

I’m guessing far too often.

So start there. Pray! Seek God’s glory in your own marriage. Lift up your spouse in prayer. Pray for the marriages in your church, for your parents, for your children, for your friends. Cover Christian marriages in prayer. Ask for wisdom, compassion, creativity, endurance, and whatever else you might need as you seek to help marriages succeed.

And then…

Make it known that you support marriage

We often believe that people know what we think and believe without us needing to say much about it, simply because they know we are Christians. You might think that everyone already knows you believe marriage is important, because you’re a pastor or leader.

Don’t take that for granted!

People tend to assume that other people think and believe what they do. They will come to you with all sorts of baggage from their own background and experiences.

So if you want to help marriages, talk about God’s good plan for marriage. Make it clear that you support married and you believe it’s good. Offer resources. Encourage and pray with couples. Celebrate wedding anniversaries. Keep marriage in the church conversation.

Always seek to get both spouse’s perspectives

It’s really easy to get one perspective and assume that it’s the full perspective. (Especially if it all makes sense!) But in a marriage, there are always two sides to the story. And many times, they are both true and accurate, even if they’re different!

Why? Because people interpret things through their own lens, remember what was most powerful to them personally, and ultimately because everyone has a unique perspective.

And if you want to help marriages, you need to understand both spouse’s perspectives.

What might this look like?

  • If you’re meeting 1:1 with someone, ask what their spouse thinks about the situation.
  • Try to get them to consider what their spouse might be thinking, feeling, prioritizing, or struggling with.
  • Ask questions like “Why do you think that was important to them?” or even, “What might I be missing because your spouse isn’t here to tell me their side of the story?”

Help them hear each other’s perspective

When you do sit down with a couple together, try to get them to talk to each other instead of you.

Can they ask helpful questions? Can they explain it so the other person understands?

Sometimes, this takes interrupting or re-directing. You don’t need to let them be rude to each other or have a huge argument. And you can offer helpful questions to get them trying to understand each other.

As they talk things through, try to avoid telling one spouse they are right or wrong. This can easily create division in the marriage, instead of unity. Unless something is specifically prohibited in the Bible – such as infidelity or abuse – it is worth hearing both perspectives.

Help them talk to each other.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if you understand what’s going on for this couple. It matters if they understand each other.

The ultimate goal is that they start working through things together. And if they each feel heard by each other and cared for, they will walk away stronger in their marriage because of it.

Yes, you can ask questions and offer wisdom and counsel. It is helpful to turn to Scripture together and to pray. But as they answer questions and talk things through, try to direct them to talk to each other and explain things. They can ask questions to their spouse instead of to you.

Marriage counseling options

If you are in South Carolina, reach out to us at The iHope Center if you are curious to learn more about marriage counseling. We have several counselors and life coaches available to work with couples, and this can happen in-person or virtually.

ABOUT YOUR HOST 

This podcast is offered as a ministry from iHope Christian Care and Counseling, Inc. We are a nonprofit counseling center in the Pee Dee area of South Carolina. Our primary host is our Director: Jessica Hayes, LPC, LMFT, LPCS-Candidate. You can learn more about The iHope Center at http://www.ihopeflorence.com.

We hope you will subscribe to our channel and share about the podcast with the other pastors and leaders in your life. There is a video, audio, and blog version of this podcast:

  • LISTEN on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or any common podcast app
  • WATCH on the iHope YouTube channel
  • READ on the iHope blog 

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REFERRALS AND DONATIONS

Our counselors are licensed in the state of South Carolina. If you are local to our state, we hope you will consider The iHope Center as a referral source for professional counseling or life coaching. We offer a 10% discount on services to full-time pastors. Virtual services are available as well.

The iHope Center is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, and we are registered in the state of South Carolina as a charitable organization. If you are local to our state, we welcome your donations and gifts to support our counseling ministry. Donations allow us to keep clients’ fees at 50% below the local average cost for services. 

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DISCLAIMER

This podcast, as well as other resources offered by The iHope Center, should be taken as informational and educational content only. Utilizing our resources does not create a professional relationship. This podcast is not therapy. Always use your own judgment in making decisions and in making recommendations for others. 

In the case of a medical or mental health emergency for yourself or someone else, please contact your local emergency department. In the USA, you can call “988” which is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 

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