At some point in life, everyone will struggle with conflict. The church is not immune! Even in the best ministry, there are different personalities, priorities, and preferences. Conflict will happen.
So what’s a pastor or leader to do?
Of course, the top urgency is to start with prayer. Pray for the other person, for the situation, for your own reaction. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Seek to understand.
But if conflict is escalating, there are action steps that can help. Let’s look together at 4 steps that will help you manage and resolve conflict in your ministry (and probably every other area of life too).
1 – Recognize warning signs of conflict
- Is there a disagreement? Is someone especially passionate about it?
- ● Are there signs of anger or other strong emotions?
- ● Has the tone of the conversation changed? Do you feel tense?
- ● Do you find yourself avoiding someone? Or a certain topic?
There are several warning signs that you might notice about conflict escalating. Sometimes, it’s simply the content of the conversation – people are sharing different perspectives and there is no movement toward agreement or compromise. Other times, it’s the tone and emotions of the conversation. That might be from others or even inside yourself.
Here are some warning signs to look out for:
- Are different opinions being shared? How passionate are people about their own perspectives?
- Is anyone raising the tone of their voice? Are people speaking faster and louder?
- Do you sense anger, frustration, or impatience starting to build?
- Are you feeling more tense and on edge? Do you find your own emotions escalating or your thoughts getting faster?
- Beyond this conversation, do you find yourself avoiding someone? Trying not to be in a certain situation or avoiding specific topics?
These might all be signs that conflict is escalating.
Of course, sometimes people will simply say that there is a conflict. That is helpful! Or there might be a very obvious conflict as people start hitting each other or screaming at one another.
But generally, conflict escalates more subtly and slowly. If you notice these warning signs, take action.
2 – Manage your own emotions and words
You cannot control other people – but you can control yourself. Yes, you can take some action steps if other people are getting escalated and conflict is starting. But you will have a much faster and bigger impact to take action for yourself!
If you notice that YOU are getting heated, pause. Take a deep breath. It can sometimes help to stretch or get up and walk around, to get your muscles moving.
You will also find it helpful at this point to be very intentional with your words. Try to listen and understand the other person more than you’re trying to talk and explain yourself. You might need to apologize for something you have already said or done.
3 – Be willing to take a break
When emotions are rising, it is helpful to pause the interaction and calm things down. No one can be logical, calm, rationale, and resolve conflict while emotions are high!
If you’re finding that you need a break for yourself, you can say something like “I think it might help us to take a little pause, cool down, and then come back together to finish this conversation at ____ time.” (And yes, to actually manage the conflict well you will need to return and finish the conversation.)
But if you’re finding that the other person might benefit from a short cool-down break, it will not be helpful to tell them that they look upset and should take a time out. People easily feel defensive when conflict is building.
Instead, you could try saying something like, “It seems like we’ve hit a wall in our conversation, I think it might help us to take a little pause, cool down, and then come back together to finish this conversation at ____ time.”
Did you notice that I’m suggesting basically the same phrase?? No one needs to feel blamed for conflict starting. If a break will be helpful, stay humble and simply initiate that time to cool down.
4 – Brainstorm solutions and move the conversation forward
Many times, conflict comes up around topics where a decision needs to be made or a problem needs to be solved. If that’s the case, the tension and conflict will only linger if you try to brush it under the rug. That is never helpful, honest, or relationship-building.
So, if there is problem-solving or decision-making to be done, you’ll find it helpful to try a few of these steps – AFTER you’ve cooled down and emotions are not an immediate concern –
- Make a list of possible solutions, and focus just on brainstorming before you try to evaluate them
- Look for areas of agreement that everyone can focus on and build from
- Try to identify the things about the other person’s perspective that are positive or valuable, and make sure to share that
However, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that every conflict requires agreement and compromise! Sometimes, conflict rises up simply because of different options and strong emotions. It’s okay for Christians to have different opinions. It can feel awkward, but that does not mean someone must be right and someone else must be wrong.
If a decision isn’t necessary and there isn’t actually a problem to solve, apologize for anything that was said or done from a place of anger, and move forward with a new conversation or activity that is more enjoyable and relationship-healing.
Struggling with conflict in a relationship?
If you are in South Carolina, reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with communication, managing conflict, or other relationship struggles in your ministry or your personal life. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
ABOUT YOUR HOST
This podcast is offered as a ministry from iHope Christian Care and Counseling, Inc. We are a nonprofit counseling center in the Pee Dee area of South Carolina. Our primary host is our Director: Jessica Hayes, LPC, LMFT, LPCS-Candidate. You can learn more about The iHope Center at http://www.ihopeflorence.com.
We hope you will subscribe to our channel and share about the podcast with the other pastors and leaders in your life. There is a video, audio, and blog version of this podcast:
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REFERRALS AND DONATIONS
Our counselors are licensed in the state of South Carolina. If you are local to our state, we hope you will consider The iHope Center as a referral source for professional counseling or life coaching. We offer a 10% discount on services to full-time pastors. Virtual services are available as well.
The iHope Center is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, and we are registered in the state of South Carolina as a charitable organization. If you are local to our state, we welcome your donations and gifts to support our counseling ministry. Donations allow us to keep clients’ fees at 50% below the local average cost for services.
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DISCLAIMER
This podcast, as well as other resources offered by The iHope Center, should be taken as informational and educational content only. Utilizing our resources does not create a professional relationship. This podcast is not therapy. Always use your own judgment in making decisions and in making recommendations for others.
In the case of a medical or mental health emergency for yourself or someone else, please contact your local emergency department. In the USA, you can call “988” which is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
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