It might be a buzzword, a counseling cliche, or something that feels way too touchy-feely. But if you’re in Christian ministry, you need to understand empathy.
What is it? Why does it matter for Christians? Is it something you should aim for in your ministry? What would that really look like?
These are good questions – and today, I’ll share some answers! Join me to talk through what empathy is, along with 5 practical tips for how to show empathy even in your hardest ministry conversations.
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Understanding empathy
We have to start with the most basic question. What is empathy?
Ultimately, we can understand empathy is our experience of understanding someone’s viewpoint and their feelings about it. And hopefully, helping them FEEL heard and understood as well!
In a way, empathy is like the classic cliche of “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.” You don’t just want to be able to summarize someone’s point of view on a topic of experience. With empathy, you will also understand the emotional impact of that experience.
But, it’s important also to note what empathy is NOT. It does not mean you agree. It does not mean they are correct in their viewpoint or that all of their thoughts and actions are appropriate. And empathy also does not mean that you actually have to feel the same feelings as them.
It’s about understanding, on multiple levels.
When to skip empathy
Empathy is not the golden solution to every situation. Ian fact, there are some situations where empathy is probably not appropriate.
In my experience, I think there are 2 situations where taking the necessary time to build empathy is not the best use of time:
- If there is an immediate safety or ethical concern. Perhaps someone has told you that they just started an affair because they’re only staying married for the kids. It is not empathetic to listen, validate, and eventually correct these type of severe actions. You need to move quickly, and you want no shadow of doubt that you are against such behaviors in the name of Christ.
- Or, if someone is dying (per perhaps, you know you will never see them again) and they are expressly against the gospel. Don’t wait! Share the gospel.
You don’t always have time to wait, go slowly, build relationship, and seek a deeper understanding of someone’s perspective, experience, and emotions.
Just be careful that you are not avoiding empathy because someone’s perspective or feelings are bothering you, or because you are in a hurry.
5 key tips for how to SHOW empathy
Empathy is not always easy. It takes time, perspective, humility, and patience. And especially when you are dealing with conflict or disagreement, this can be really hard.
But empathy is a part of showing people the love and care of Jesus Christ. He knows them more deeply than you ever will – the good and the bad, the sin and the righteousness. And He loves them. He cares for them. Most especially if they are a brother or sister in Christ, another believer – we are called to pursue unity and compassion. Empathy is an important part of that.
So, try these 5 tips.
(1) Listen well.
What does it mean to listen well? It means you are using active listening skills, like making eye contact and being care about about your body language. You will also make sure you are listening before you speak (consider James 1:9) and that you are not interrupting them.
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(2) Ask questions.
Be careful – these are not questions aims at challenging them or changing their perspective! But questions can help you build a better understanding of someone. What do they really think about a topic? How have they come to that conclusion? Why is it so meaningful to them? Seek to understand.
(3) Know your own viewpoint.
We all have opinions and perspectives. In fact, your viewpoint on a topic might be shaped by specific Scriptures. It may be a deep conviction from the Holy Spirit. But if you want to show empathy to someone (which, as a reminder, does not mean you agree with them!) it will help if you’re already aware of your own view on a subject. This will help you avoid accidentally belittling them, rushing their viewpoint, or judging and rejecting them during the conversation.
Once empathy has been shown, the other person will feel heard, understood, and valued. It is much more fruitful to have a conversation about beliefs, values, or changes from that foundation.
(4) Avoid hurtful responses.
Yes, you may be trying to show empathy to someone whom you disagree with. But it is not empathetic to challenge someone, lecture someone, or yell at someone. Recognize their emotional state and try to respond in ways that will feel genuine and caring. If someone is grieving, this is not the time to correct them on a theologically incorrect viewpoint.
(5) Guide the conversation in a healthy direction.
Empathy does not mean that you have no opinions or perspectives to share. In a real conversation, more than one person will talk! Try to lead the conversation in an emotionally and relationally healthy direction. This can mean 3 important things:
- Start with the places you agree or appreciate,
- Make sure they understand that you understand them (perhaps by summarizing back what you heard them say and how you think they’re feeling about it)
- Stay kind and calm as you move toward offering a different perspective, a correction on their viewpoint, or are beginning to disagree with them.
What’s next?
Empathy, and communication in general, is not always easy. This is especially true in ministry. You might have a lot more training in preaching, church leadership, economics, or theology. But showing people the love of Christ will mean that you are making an effort toward empathy. That you are making an effort to know, understand, and appreciate the people around you.
If you are struggling, or need a place to refer someone who is struggling, counseling can help.
If you are in South Carolina and need help with these issues, we have counselors and life coaches available at The iHope Center. Reach out to us at The iHope Center if you would like some support with dealing with these related struggles. Our services are 50% below the local average cost of counseling and we do offer some virtual appointments if needed. Call (843) 702-0323 to get started.
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